Written by: Susan Granger
SusanGranger.com

Just exactly how desperate are you to get the kids out of the house and into the theater?

Zoom is “X-Men” meets “Spy Kids” via “The Bad News Bears.” Tim Allen plays Jack Shepard, an erstwhile, out-of-shape superhero known as Captain Zoom, described as “faster than Quicksilver, the Flash and Superman combined,” who reluctantly comes out of retirement to cope with an unruly quartet of kids (Spencer Breslin, Kate Mara, Ryan Newman, Michael Cassidy) with special powers on a mission to save the world from certain destruction from a “pandimensional anomaly.”

Years ago, the villainous, sonic-blasting Concussion (who, it turns out, is actually Jack’s brother, played by Kevin Zegers) demolished Captain Zoom’s Team Zenith. But now, the top-secret masterminds behind the old Zenith program - bellowing, blustering General Larraby (Rip Torn) and goofy Dr. Grant (Chevy Chase) - want to reactivate it, spurred on by the work of a sweet, if accident-prone scientist, Marsha Holloway (Courteney Cox), who specializes in latent supernatural abilities. While training these junior versions of the “Fantastic Four” to be the new, spandex-clad Team Phoenix, Captain Zenith not only gets back his amazing powers but also his mojo.

Based on the comic miniseries by Jason Lethcoe, written by Adam Rifkin and David Berenbaum, and directed by Peter Hewitt (“Garfield: The Movie,” “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey”), it’s filled with lame gags and flatulence jokes. The acting is rote and all the technical aspects – from David Tattersall’s gaudy cinematography to Barry Chusid’s cheesy production design and Christophe Beck’s blaring musical score - are decidedly amateurish.

On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, Zoom is a tepid, thudding 2. Mercifully, it only lasts for 83 minutes. Ah, the dog days of August!